Resist, Accept, Flow, Repeat
We tend to resist things in life we find threatening or in opposition to what we believe we want. We can resist changes, new information or ideas, and even those we love. In a state of resistance, we are often fighting against the natural flow of life. Our mindset can become fixed and even shut down to the possibility that there might be another way, a better way.
Resistance is part of the human experience. It’s our way of exercising independence and maintaining control over our lives. There’s also the simple fact we prefer pleasure over pain, and life provides constant change. Change often brings with it a threat of potential pain and loss of pleasure. Or, it provides fresh opportunity and relief from stale repetition. It’s our perception of change that makes it so.
When we allow fear to drive our perceptions, we invite more resistance into our lives. The more we resist experiences and people throughout our lives, the less connected we feel and we can become habitually closed off to much of what life has to offer.
There are definitely times when resistance is good: Standing up for yourself or others, exercising with weights or changing your diet, and avoiding distractions to stay focused.
Exploring what we are resisting, and why, is important in this process. We may think our efforts to defy something or someone are justified or beneficial. What happens when we continually resist things throughout our lives? Psychologist Carl Jung argued that “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”. Basically, the more you resist something, the more likely it is to happen.
We don’t want something bad to happen, like losing the relationship or job we love so much. We begin to act in ways we believe will help keep them in our lives. Unfortunately, it’s these actions and the fearful place we are acting from that can create the very things we don’t want. We become clingy or needed. We worry too much about our performance or how we look and this constant inner focus causes us to miss opportunities or ways to expand or grow. Our persistent efforts to resist can lead us to become consumed with fighting off what we fear and we act in ways we normally wouldn’t, causing us to lose things we don’t want to.
The opposite of resistance is acceptance. To accept, involves openness, non-judgment, trust, optimism, and relaxation. — Deepak Chopra
Moving from resistance to acceptance isn’t an easy process. We also need to define what acceptance means, based on the situation. It’s also important to remember that acceptance doesn’t always mean agreement or approval. There is a term called “radical acceptance” which is more of an overall mindset towards life. According to Karyn Hall, Ph.D, from an article in Psychology Today, radical acceptance is “completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality. When you stop fighting, you suffer less”. In order for us to move forward and promote change, we must be able to free ourselves from a state of resistance. Life will move forward with or without us. It’s healthy to check in with ourselves and see where we have created unconscious goals that are holding us back, trapping us in a loop, and keeping us in the past.
You can’t change anything if you don’t accept it because, if you don’t accept it, you’ll try to change something else that you think is reality. — Marsha Linehan
The sooner we can move into a state of acceptance, we open ourselves to the state of flow. According to psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, this is how the state of FLOW feels:
- Completely involved in what we are doing — focused, concentrated.
- A sense of ecstasy — of being outside everyday reality.
- Great inner clarity — knowing what needs to be done, and how well we are doing.
- Knowing that the activity is doable — that our skills are adequate to the task.
- A sense of serenity — no worries about oneself, and a feeling of growing beyond the boundaries of the ego.
- Timelessness — thoroughly focused on the present, hours seem to pass by in minutes.
- Intrinsic motivation — whatever produces flow becomes its own reward.
He talks about how, as our skills begin to increase along with the challenge difficulty, we begin to move into the space of flow. Conversely, when the challenge and our skill levels begin to decrease we move into a state of apathy. We enjoy a challenge when we feel we have the skills to meet it. When we don’t have the skills, we become anxious and worry. When we have the skills and the challenge is low we become relaxed and then bored.
Our world is facing many challenges today, and that has been the nature of our world since humans have inhabited it. In order to make the world a better place, we must also improve our skills to meet these challenges. As we educate and take other positive actions, we will begin to increase our skill levels, moving into a state of FLOW. This is how we move toward a place of peace and resolution.
A person can make (themselves) happy, or miserable, regardless of what is actually happening “outside” just by changing the contents of (their) consciousness. - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
This process of moving from resistance to flow is one that we repeat throughout our lives. It presents so many opportunities for learning and growth, if we allow ourselves to recognize them. In these times of uncertainty, it’s essential to focus on staying connected to a more centered, optimal state in order to find solutions instead of creating more challenges.
Remember this centering thought from Deepak Chopra:
Through acceptance, my life flows easily and joyfully.